The Relief of discovering Dadu


I was standing before the mirror brushing my hair just before heading for work and Anu stood next to me watching. Ever since last night she had been after me asking "Mama, aren't you happy that Baba is coming home on friday?". I was doing something in the kitchen and had laughingly replied "Well, yes, I have a lot of bills to pay, he can help". She had pouted at me, "But I am so excited". I asked her "Is this because he is bringing you 'that' gift or because he is coming home?" Anu was caught in the act! But she quickly brushed it aside saying, "Well I would be happy even if he didnt get me 'that' gift'. All these days there was something going on over the phone between Baba and her and she wouldnt tell me what 'that' was.

This morning before the mirror it was a continuation of last night's conversation. Anu added "Mama, do you know Ms Neperud is also very happy that Baba is coming?" I knew Ms Neperud had given Anu the idea of having her Baba's photograph in her school desk so that she could glance at it whenever she missed him. I nodded at Anu. Now Anu's face was serious. I asked "What?" She said " You know Mama, Ms Neperud also misses her mom. Her mom died when Ms Neperud was in high school". Anu looked very sad. I was sad too. I said "Well, Anu you should write a nice note to Ms Neperud about her mom. That will make her feel good". Anu vehemently disagreed with me. She said "No mama, then she would remember her mom and be more sad". I sat Anu down on the cushioned pot and said "Anu, it doesn't make you sad to remember someone that has died. What if I died, would you never talk about me because it would make you sad? After a while, when you think of a loved one that is no more, it only makes you feel safe and cared for".

I think Anu understood something. She was very quiet when she said " Mama, I know that Dadu died". I stopped short. All these years that their Dadu (Abhijit's father) had died, Anu never knew about it. Or if she had heard us talking she never mentioned it. She came to the US when she was 1 and half and Dadu was gone much before that. She had heard many tales about him from her Thama, from her sister, from her father and had seen his photographs, but she never knew that he was no more. At least we thought she didn't. No one ever broached the subject with her lest she be heartbroken. Death as it is, is difficult to understand and to make a 7 year old figure it out ---no one wanted to take that responsibility. This time when she went to India she told everyone that she was going to meet Dadu because he could not come to America.

Very softly I asked her, "Who told you that Dadu is no more, baby?" Anu looked at me and said "Baba". I asked "When?" She murmured, "In India. I asked Baba where Dadu was and he told me Dadu was no more". Anu's eyes were filling up with unshed tears. I pulled her to myself and said "Well, let me tell you what Dadu was like". Her eyes broadened. I said "Dadu was big, he was tall, he had a big rocking chair and he loved to sit on it". "Really"? Anu asked. I said "He was a big officer". Anu interrupted me, "Mama, I want to be a police officer when I grow up. Like Dadu'. I said, "He wasn't a police officer Anu, he was a leader, people listened to him when he spoke". Anu's eyes were getting brighter, "You mean a boss?". I said "Yes, thats right". I continued, "He made that huge house in India and lived there with Thama'.

I locked the house and we made our way to the car. I went on,"When you were going to be born, he came in Thama's dreams, and said that you would be a very bright and happy girl". Anu was jumping up and down, "Really Mama, he said I would be bright?" "Yes", I said.

As we talked more and reached school, Anu was wiping tears from her face. She had many many happy questions about her grandfather whom she had never seen and had been fearful to ask about, lest death was a burdensome load to carry on her 7 year old shoulders. As I signed her day care log book, she stood close to me giving me my days' kiss. I bent down to her and said "Anu do you know its Dadu's birthday day after tomorrow". Anu looked ecstatic, "Mama, I will make a card for him and tell him how much I love him".

I hugged Anu. The relief of finally discovering her Dadu was oozing out of her being.